Gabi Clay-White

In December, Campus Echo assistant editor Gabi Clay-White found out she was pregnant.

It was not a pregnancy she planned, and she found the news very difficult to accept.

When someone suggested that she share her experience with Campus Echo readers, she checked with her parents and her counselor.

They liked the idea. Here, she opens her diary to Echo readers. This is the first of three installments.

Introduction: I have always been the type of person to be organized.

You know, have everything planned out. After I graduated in May, I would move to Houston, Atlanta or Charlotte and become a producer for a primetime news station.

Yep, for the next five years, I would work my way up the broadcasting industry ladder; by 2013, I would be nominated for an Emmy.

It’s funny how things change ...

November 23: Thanksgiving was yesterday and I ate like a pig. I have never eaten that much — something isn’t right with my body. I’m always tired and my breasts are sore. Oh, and let’s not even talk about my back!

I’ve missed my period, too.

PLEASE God … don’t let me be pregnant! Naw, I can’t be pregnant. I just can’t. I think I’ll go get a pregnancy test. Pray for me.

November 30: I am pregnant. Wait, let me rewind. I got home from Wal-Mart and didn’t open up the test for a week! Why did it take me so long? I guess I just couldn’t take the fact that I would be a mother.

I finally decided to do the test. And there they were. Two pink lines. So I drank a whole bunch of water, waited an hour and took the test again.

Two pink lines.

Right now, I’m numb. I don’t feel anything. I’m not physically sick — yet. I don’t know how I am going to tell my parents, friends, family. I’m so scared.

I called my boyfriend to tell him the results. He was quiet at first but said he would support me and the baby.

I don’t know if I’m going to keep it or not. I don’t know how I’m going to take care of a baby. I don’t have a job lined up and I doubt a news station would wait until I have my baby to hire me.

Why would they hire some pregnant girl when there are hundreds of other candidates who will be able to work the day after graduation?

Maybe I can just have an abortion and forget everything that has happened in the last week. But, according to my religion, having an abortion is wrong.

I remember seeing people in front of Planned Parenthood back home in California with picket signs and post-abortion pictures. Those pictures showed everything — the bloody fetus and broken bones.

But, I think I’m only eight weeks along. So the baby probably looks like an egg — which means that it doesn’t even have a heartbeat, right? Right! So, that’s what I’ll do.

December 6: I saw an advertisement in the Campus Echo for free ultrasounds until the third month at Pregnancy Support Services.

I don’t know why, but I want to see what’s growing inside of me before I got rid of it.

My friend Brooke went with me. since I don’t have any relatives in North Carolina and I needed support.

At the Pregnancy Support Services office, they took me to the back. This lady introduced herself as Joyce and started asking me questions about my health and my religious views.

Then she said PSS is a Christian-based office. Oh great! I was hoping she wouldn’t lecture me about keeping my baby. I had already made up my mind and I’m NOT changing it!

I’m just not ready to take on the responsibility of another life.

After the brief and uncomfortable session, she gave me a cup and told me to go pee in it. After about 15 minutes of waiting, Joyce took Brooke and me aside to read the results.

“Congratulations!” she said.

I just looked at Brooke and put my head down. I wanted to cry but the tears just wouldn’t come out.

Joyce told me that next week they will confirm how far along I am and do an ultrasound. I’m nervous but I know I have to tell my parents soon — or at least before I have an abortion.

December 7: Before I call my parents, I called my friend Blair. She lives back home in California and she knows almost everything about me.

As soon as she got on the phone, I just blurted it out. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. At first, Blair screamed. I guess she was in disbelief.

Then she started crying, asking me all these questions like, “Are you gonna keep it?” and “I want you to come out here and have the baby.”

I felt like saying, “Well, what do you think I should do?”

But now that I think about it, it doesn’t matter what Blair or anyone else thinks – this is MY life.

The last thing Blair said was, “You know I’m going to support you, Gabrisha.” That made me feel a little better, to know that I’m not alone.

My mother called soon after I got off the phone with Blair. It was now or never. My mom always knows when something is wrong with me. I broke down and just started crying.

I told her I was pregnant and all she said was, “It’s alright, baby. You’re not the first and you’re not the last.”

My mom told my dad because I was too nervous. But he took it well.

I told my mom that I wanted to have an abortion. I think she was a little disappointed because this would have been her first grandchild.

I had to call Planned Parenthood back home to schedule my termination appointment on the 22nd of December.

After I got off the phone with my mom all I could do was cry. I didn’t want this child to come into this world and not have everything that I had.

My mother had me when she was 30. She was financially and mentally stable. I’m not. I don’t think I can be as good a mother to my child as she was to me and that scares me.

December 12: My boyfriend and I went to Pregnancy Support Services this morning. They did an ultrasound and we both wanted to cry.

I’m six weeks pregnant. I can’t believe that another life is growing inside of me. Oh, and get this – it does have a heartbeat!

Now I don’t know what to do. But the little flicker I see on the screen makes me realize this might not be all about me anymore.

December 29: I flew to California for the holidays and my aunt, uncle and cousin came out from Oklahoma.

The 22nd came and went and I’m still pregnant. I decided to keep the baby. After seeing that ultrasound my heart changed.

I’m still scared but I know I have support and help from people in California and North Carolina.

I’ve been extremely moody and irritable. I’m always angry and I have a low tolerance for people right now.

I’m guessing it’s the hormonal changes going through my body. I’ll be glad when it’s over.

January 14: School started last week. It should be a happy time for me since I’m graduating in May. But it’s not.

I don’t feel like doing anything but lie in the bed. I don’t have any motivation to go to class or to be around anyone.

I haven’t written anything for the Campus Echo, I quit my internship at ABC-11 TV and my position as secretary for Team Paradyce, a modeling troupe.

What’s wrong with me?

Oh, and I found out that my insurance from back home isn’t covered in North Carolina so I don’t know what to do. This is so stressful.

On top of that, my boyfriend and I don’t get along at all now. I cry all the time. I just feel alone.

But I’m too scared to let people know how I’m feeling. I HATE my life!

January 28: I’ve had enough. I can’t take this anymore.

On Friday, I made plans to kill myself. I was driving down Fayetteville Road and all I remember is a vivid picture of driving into a wall.

I pulled over to the side of the road and just started crying. All I could think of was my unborn child.

I don’t know what triggered the suicidal thoughts, but I do know that I have been extremely depressed lately.

I had a doctor’s appointment today. My doctor told me I’ve been losing weight.

As soon as I left the doctor’s office, I started crying again.

I called my mom and told her I needed her to come to North Carolina.