January 29: My mother is here! She flew in this morning from California.

I am so happy to finally see and hug her. We go eat breakfast at IHOP and I tell her everything I’m feeling — except for the suicidal thoughts.

I just can’t break the news to her yet that I want to end my life. Of course I cry, but this time it’s more of a relief because I’m finally getting everything off my chest.

I just hope her visit to North Carolina will give me the strength to make it through the next months.

January 30: It’s almost 1 a.m. and I can’t sleep. I had an extremely bad day today.

My mother called and I had the worst attitude with her. It kills me because she doesn’t know everything I’m feeling, so she automatically feels I’m being mean to her on purpose.

I still don’t know what it is that makes my personality turn on and off so fast. I know I need to do something about this emotional imbalance because it could be hurting my baby.

I want help. I need help. I’m too afraid and ashamed to ask.

January 31:I think I’m having another breakdown.

There is a burden on my shoulders and there’s no way it’ll lift unless I let someone know what I’m feeling.

So today I came home and told my mom that I’d thought about killing myself.

At first, she was quiet. Then she took me in her arms and began praying for me and saying that I don’t have to contemplate taking my life because there are people who care about me and would be devastated if I committed suicide.

But she never cried. I know, it seems like I cry about everything — but I can’t remember a time when I saw my mother cry.

That’s why I look up to her. She is so strong and I just feel like a failure because I don’t know how to control my emotions like she does.

After we talked, she asked me if I wanted some counseling. Here goes. I either take it or leave it. I can’t live like this anymore, so I tell her “yes.”

She looks on the school website and finds a psychologist named Dr. Carolyn Moore who works in the Student Health and Counseling Services.

My mom tells me to get some rest because she is going to try and get an appointment with Dr. Moore tomorrow.

February 1: I decided not to go to class today. I just wasn’t in the mood to be bothered with anyone.

Luckily, I got an appointment with Dr. Moore. When I walked up to the building, I was a little hesitant.

Even though I know I need help, I don’t feel comfortable telling a stranger about my problems. My mother came with me so my nerves calmed down a little bit, but I was still scared.

Dr. Moore called my mother and me into her office. We sat down and after I began talking, I could tell that Dr. Moore was a nice lady who was actually concerned about my life. I told Dr. Moore everything, but I think she was most concerned about my suicidal thoughts. Even though I didn’t actually try to kill myself, I was still at risk of attempting suicide. She brought in a co-worker, Dr. Carolyn Gibbs, and they decided that I had clinical depression.

I was devastated. I knew that I was feeling down and angry but I never would have thought that I was depressed. They asked if I was stable enough to be on my own, and I know that I’m not. I told them so, and they suggested that I be admitted to a hospital.

Oh no! That is NOT going to happen. I refuse to be hospitalized, locked up in a straitjacket and deemed crazy by everyone. I told them that I would be okay if I was able to talk about my feelings at least once a week. They agreed, but I know if I get any worse, I will probably be admitted without consent.

Dr. Gibbs suggested that I take the anti-depressant pill, Zoloft. I had heard of it from people I know who take it, but it seemed like Zoloft did more damage than good. I rejected her offer. I also didn’t want the medicine to hurt my baby.

After our meeting, my mother and I went to all of my professors and told them what was going on. Surprisingly, they were very understanding. Most of them knew something was wrong with me but they didn’t want to intervene in my personal life. For some reason, it seems like things might be getting a little better.

February 8:I have an appointment today with Dr. Heath. I have to have some blood work done to make sure there aren’t any genetic deformities in my DNA that could harm my child. I hate having blood work done. My mother comes with me to meet Dr. Heath. I ask her to talk to him about my depression and how it could affect my baby because I am too emotional right now.

Dr. Heath suggests Zoloft. I voice my concerns about it causing defects in the fetus and he tells me that it could cause harm, but there’s a really, really small chance that it actually will. I give in and take the prescription.

He says he would start me on a 30-day, low dosage and if I needed more, he would give it to me. Since my mom is leaving in a few days, it’s better if I start it now so that my body can get used to it and I might be able to make it on my own. But if need be, my mom said she will quit her job and move out here until I graduate to take care of me. I’m just hoping that she doesn’t have to do that.

Joyce told me that next week they will confirm how far along I am and do an ultrasound. I’m nervous but I know I have to tell my parents soon — or at least before I have an abortion.

Feburary 8: I have an appointment today with Dr. Heath. I have to have some blood work done to make sure there aren’t any genetic deformities in my DNA that could harm my child. I hate having blood work done. My mother comes with me to meet Dr. Heath. I ask her to talk to him about my depression and how it could affect my baby because I am too emotional right now.

Dr. Heath suggests Zoloft. I voice my concerns about it causing defects in the fetus and he tells me that it could cause harm, but there’s a really, really small chance that it actually will. I give in and take the prescription.

He says he would start me on a 30-day, low dosage and if I needed more, he would give it to me. Since my mom is leaving in a few days, it’s better if I start it now so that my body can get used to it and I might be able to make it on my own. But if need be, my mom said she will quit her job and move out here until I graduate to take care of me. I’m just hoping that she doesn’t have to do that.

February 14: My mom left on Tuesday. She had to go home to take care of some business, in case I needed her to come back. But my dad will be here on the 18th to stay with me.

I’m in Baltimore for the rest of the weekend for the HBCU Student News Media Conference. These past nights have been hard because the Zoloft hasn’t kicked in. I’ve had more suicidal thoughts than ever. I’m still crying all the time. Yet I have been able to sleep at least five hours. I haven’t had much time to think about my situation since I’ve been in Baltimore. My Campus Echo family keeps my mind occupied, and I’m always smiling.

February 20: This week has been going GREAT! My dad came out here for the week but he will be travelling back and forth to Virginia because his cousin passed. I’ll be at home by myself sometimes, but the Zoloft is working — I’ve been so much happier. My dad is the greatest. He doesn’t say much, but I know he loves me.

I even enrolled in prenatal yoga classes because I know I need a way to focus my anger. I like it a lot.

I started going back to class, and I’ve gotten involved with the Echo again.

I told my mom she doesn’t have to come out here. I feel like I’ve been doing better. Of course I have my down times, but with all the extracurricular activities I’m doing, I will be okay.

Oh, and I almost forgot, I think I felt my baby kicking today! That is the most exciting feeling in the world. In a few weeks, I’ll be able to see if I’m having a boy or girl. Yup, things are looking so much better.

March 6: This week has been overwhelming. My first article came out in the Echo last week and I’ve gotten so many positive responses. Friends who just walk up and hug me. People call me non-stop to make sure I’m okay.

I have friends who say that they wish they never had an abortion, and that they think about their unborn baby all the time. I’m just thinking, “what if I had gone through with my abortion?”

I went to Pregnancy Support Services on Monday and met with the nurse who did my ultrasound. I told her how much I appreciated their help and its influence on whether I was going to keep my baby or not.

I’m going to get my ultrasound tomorrow. I’m so excited! I’ll find out the sex of the baby.

I fly home tomorrow for spring break and I graduate in less than two months!

- To be continued